Beautiful Blog Site Boundaries

Since I'm still suffering from my nerve "situation", I decided to post a blog I wrote several days ago, and just saved for a rainy day. Although I discuss how my blogging boundaries came more slowly than those in other areas of my life, it's important for me to set the record straight about some particularly obnoxious blogs that are floating around out there - these blogs I have never read...or even laid eyes on. I don't look at porn, and I don't read trash - This has become a point of conviction for me. Peace out.

Today, like most days at some point, I spent some time reading the blogs "bookmarked" on my "toolbar" (if you don't use a Mac these terms might not mean the same thing - but you get the drift) - it's somewhat of a ritual for me, I guess, and if you were to read the blogs I read you would pick up on a theme: they are all positive and uplifting and many times challenging to me in my faith, family and church-life. There must be some positive value for me.

It's not always been that way for me, sadly. Out of curiosity, obligation, or even a desire to be entertained by ridiculousness (not sure that's a word), I've subjected myself to a lot of junk (that's putting it nicely in, most cases) that has done nothing to edify me or refine my walk. Blog site boundaries are a discipline that have been developed out of necessity.

I had already limited my exposure to negativity in my relationships, phone conversations, parties I attend, even in just "hanging out" with a bunch of ladies (this can go negative so fast it can make your head spin) - But in the area of the Internet, these boundaries can be more easily rationalized away.

These "rationalizations" can sound something like this:

*I would rather know first-hand if someone's talking trash - or their friends are, so I can KNOW!

*I deserve to read it myself...everyone else seems to know the scoop.

*I need to prove that stupid lies and innuendo from carnal people don't hurt me - I CAN TAKE IT!

*Their words don't really offend me...it's just entertainment!

*I need to know what they're saying so that I can look spiritual as I forgive them (a vicious cycle, by the way).

*Whatever other rationalizations I've used that I can't remember right now.

Today, though, I guard myself (and my family), vigilantly. It's an issue of obedience for me now. Whatever I tell myself to make it easy to read stuff that I know, or even suspect, won't be beneficial to me, doesn't outweigh my responsibility to be disciplined with the words that I allow to come into my life.

I need to be considerate of the fact that even though it doesn't hurt, it may not help. My knowledge of other's critiques or "issues" may not be helpful to those around me. Because of this, I've even had to be careful about what "friendly" blogs I allow myself to read. Not everyone limit's their exposure as much as Byron and I do, so their lack of boundaries can become ours, as well.

This may sound rigid or ridiculous, but these lessons come out of experience. For me, knowingly reading trash is just plain stupid.

So, if you hear the latest tidbit from some blog site, please don't tell me the web address. I don't care, and I don't want to know. Bondage to trying to mend fences with people who stir dissension is just that: BONDAGE! And it's a luxury that I can't afford - distraction from my true purpose is a price that's too high.

We can either chase after the opinions of men, or Christ. We can't fully do both. At least that's not my calling.

I love the beautiful blogs on my toolbar, and plan to keep it that way.

Peace.

Coffee, Courage, and Commitment (And Happy Wednesday)

Happy Wednesday! (At least it is now) - The boys get out of school early on Wednesdays, so we decided to bring them to "Cuppy's" (My favorite coffee shop, on Lee Vista). So, hangin' with my boys and drinking a caramel latte (and free wifi)...it just doesn't get any better than this!

We had lunch with Vinny and Valerie, an awesome couple with a passion for God that's contagious. They are definitely "so C3"!

I've been reading "Stand Against the Wind" by Erwin McManus - he's one of my favorite authors - and this quote spoke to me, "Our capacity to run free is related to our commitment to stand firm."

It may seem odd that he would correlate commitment with freedom. Those two seem contrary, but, in reality, you are only as free as you are committed. You are only as strong as your willingness to lay aside anything that hinders you in the race. Freedom comes after the sacrifice, when there's nothing left to lose.

McManus asks the question, "How often have we surrendered our freedoms under the weight of our fears?" That's something to ponder. Fear is bondage, and bondage is the death of hope.

So, today, I desire to run free and fearless - with nothing left to lose, and everything to gain.

Happy Wednesday!

Peace.

The Changing Face of Change

Tomorrow it all begins...the girls go back to school. Actually, they start out at school, and then leave for a 3 day retreat. And then, on Monday, the boys start - and the wheels of the school-year begin to turn. It's hard to believe the summer's over - and this has been a longer summer than usual.

So, now the fall officially begins, at least for me. It's going to be strange to not have the boys in the same building - between homeschooling and our church's school, I've always had at least some of my children close-by. This year's definitely going to be different.

Last year was filled with change, and I'm sure this year will be, in some ways, even more so. I have tried to envision how it will be - new offices, having services in the theater, my boys in public school, both the girls in high school (with Kayleigh graduating at the end of this year!)...so much change, but a lot of it exciting to me.

I've never really been one to struggle with change, even a lot of it. I changed schools more than ten times between kindergarten and graduation, so I had to learn to change. Still, I've never dealt with change more, in my lifetime, than I did last year. It was so profound, that I know that it changed me.

I do look at life differently now. I see people in a different way. I don't assume that many things will be the same tomorrow as they are today. I don't take for granted that just because someone is in my life now that they automatically will be tomorrow. I expect change. I understand that not everyone can handle the pressure of an "anything for the cause" lifestyle. I try not to expect too much or too little - I just have to keep my eyes focused, no matter what changes God allows to come into my life...no matter what.

I used to hear that leadership is lonely, and my idealistic side couldn't accept that as true. I'm too much of an extrovert for that to be true of me...but, it is true. It was a hard lesson to learn - that "holding on" is sometimes not an option, but - especially in a leadership role - it's a luxury that can't be afforded.

So, I look forward to the changes that will be coming this year - I really do. Change can be awesome. It can also be frightening - but, even scary things can lead to wonderful additions to our lives (like childbirth...four times!). I look forward to meeting people who have newly discovered God's grace. I look forward to watching fellow Christ-followers discover their passions, and how to use them fully. I look forward to seeing children excited about church and the love of Jesus. And I look forward to feeling myself embrace change, because I know it will change me and make me more like Christ - No matter what.

Peace.

Choosing to Lose

How do you know if someone's truly your friend? Having teenage daughters and, well, just being alive, causes this question to arise frequently.

Desiring to be wise about who I take into my confidence requires that I am discerning when it comes to my close circle of friends -
So, if I really want to know about someone, I should look at who they count as their close friends - who do they spend the most time with, listen to, confide in...this is a good gauge of their true attitudes, interests, passions, etc.

There have been times in my life when I've ignored the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship, always to my detriment. Things like:

*My friend talks critically about EVERYONE to me, but I "assume" he/she will NEVER talk about me to everyone else.
*Many of my friend's friends talk trash about me, but I'm SURE he/she defends me...after all, he/she knows me and would always give me the benefit of the doubt.
*My friend seems only concerned about his/her comfort and reputation with no regard for mine, but I'm sure they would be loyal if the "chips were really down".
*My friend seems very concerned about what others think about him/her, but I'm sure if they HAD to make a choice they would choose what's right over what's popular!
*My friend has known me longer/better than those who gossip about me, so I'm sure he/she would not believe gossip without talking to me.

The list could go on, but every time I ignore the "signs" and rely upon assumptions, I allow myself to stay in a toxic friendship - which eventually leads to desiring the approval of someone who doesn't edify me in my "walk". This can become a distraction which leads to discouragement and eventually to disobedience. God desires for me to be wise and not live in denial. Boundaries are very difficult to put in place, but absolutely necessary for healthy relationships.

So, how can we know if someone's a "true friend"? Well, the first place to start is to look at your friend's circle of friends - if you have to put your guard up and bite your tongue every time you're in the presence of this "circle", it's probably not a healthy place for you to be. And, although we are called to treat everyone with the love and grace of God, we have to "lay aside every hindrance" in the race of life - and toxic relationships have to be at the top of the list.

I'm reminded of one of my favorite bits of wisdom from Maya Angelou: "When somone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!"

Be empowered by the fact that friendship is a choice, and sometimes it's best to "choose to lose" - in fact, close friendships are rare and should be chosen carefully and refined. If a friend is not loyal and true during the good times, he/she will more than likely abandon you in the times when you need them the most. We can save that job for those who aren't so close...it hurts a lot less.

Knowing who your true friends are is a gift, wondering is torture - life is too short to wonder. Refine your list and find the freedom in knowing who you can turn to - it saves a lot of heartache and lets you "run" with the freedom God intended!

And remember there is "a friend who sticks closer than a brother"...and even if He's the only one who makes the list, you'll be fine.

Peace.

Remembering How to Fly

I always feel at home on the water - maybe because I was a "summer baby", and maybe because I learned to swim before I could walk (literally). Water has always had a calming, "centering" effect on me, and our day on the lake in the Ozark mountains was especially memorable.

We spent the whole day on a 30,000 acre spring-fed lake in between the mountains. We climbed to the top of rocks to jump off. We found a tiny island to explore. And we laughed and swam and acted like children. It was awesome!

It had been too long since I forgot to be a "grown-up" and just jumped off a cliff without thinking twice. It was exhilarating and relaxing at the same time!

So, now it's back to the "real world" - and I feel like Peter Pan trying not to grow up and forget the magical powers of thinking like a child...it can fade if we don't choose to NOT FORGET...to remember how to fly. Do you remember what it felt like?

Don't forget - and if you're starting to, then JUMP OUT OF THE BOAT!!! :-)

Come on in, the water's fine...Peace.

Preparing for Falling Leaves

So, being home is kind of weird...after traveling so much. There wasn't a schedule, really, but every day was full of trying to make the most our time. Of course then, the night before we were supposed to leave to come home, Byron got a call that his grandfather had passed away...so, we headed back to Texas instead of coming home. The visitation-funeral-graveside was a two-day affair - the graveside was at the Bledsoe Family cemetery (I got to see where I will be buried!) which was three hours away from the funeral - so we traveled about 7 hours on that day, then began our 16 hour trip home the next. In some ways, I feel like we spent a lot of our vacation just trying to get somewhere.

Maybe that's an analogy for my life - especially lately - I spend so much time and energy just trying to get somewhere, that sometimes I have little time to enjoy where I am and those around me along for the ride.

We have been trying to get the kid's rooms (mainly the boy's) organized and junk-free before the next school year begins - throwing away broken toys, finishing projects in their rooms that we started when we moved-in but have since put on the "back burner", and the clock is ticking again for all that will take place in the fall...But, as we work, organize, de-clutter, etc...I'm trying to enjoy my kids and Byron. I want to make the most of the time because it goes so quickly...It doesn't take a funeral to remind me of that.

And I know it's working because as I was wiping down the kitchen counter, going through boxes of outgrown clothes, and throwing away broken toys (all at once - I'm A.D.D., remember!), Nate, my ten year old, stopped me and gave me a kiss and said, "I love you, Mommy."

So, I've been reminded again that these days, though hectic and sometimes mundane, won't last forever...they blow away like the autumn leaves...So, I will cherish them and save them in my heart and mind for the days when life is much quieter and more boring...

Because the journey is the destination, after all!

Love someone today! Peace.

From Dusk to Dawn

The scenery in the mountains was breathtaking, and since my current obsession is photography (although my skill level hardly warrants the title "photography"), I had to take pictures of absolutely EVERYTHING. My family (and the other captive audience members) got used to seeing me jump out of the car on a steep overhang or nearly get hit by a trolley-car just to get the perfect shot of a perfect purple flower.

And if the scenery was great during the day, it was even better at dusk and dawn. The cabin was three stories with two balconies, so I tried to get up early and absorb the dawn (some morning "dawn" was literal - on others it was very figurative. In my world, dawn is more of a state of mind, like happiness). But one thing I noticed is that the beauty of dusk and dawn is very similar. When you're enjoying the dim tranquility of either one and absorbed in the peacefulness of being still in the wonder of God's creation, it's difficult to remember whether the sun is coming up or going down.

Recently, I was looking at photographs on the "wide world of web", and this struck me then, too - I noticed that the picture entitled "Swiss Mountains at Dawn" and "Sunset in Switzerland" looked very much alike - both breathtaking, of course!

The past year has been full of many things - some seemingly wonderful, and others won't be remembered fondly. As I spent time reflecting on all God has allowed into my life - things that brought happiness and grief - I realized that everything can work together for my good (the "goings" down and the "comings" up), that I can still bask in the dim tranquility of all God is doing around me even the colors created by the art of pain.

So, whether it's twilight or a new day dawning, I will praise the Artist - "...the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away - Blessed be the name of the Lord!"

P.S. Thanks for still reading though my blogs have been few and far between this past month. I pray for all of you to find true peace from the True Peacemaker. It's a long and winding road (sometimes requiring a little Bonine), but it is definitely the way to travel. Thanks for sharing it with me...

Peace.

One Pilgrim's Progress

So I know I have 24 hours in a day, just like everyone else. But some days those 24 represent a lot more accomplishments than others. Today definitely won't go down in the books as a stellar day for checking-off my "To Do" list. I haven't been feeling very well for the past few days, so I've mostly been watching Byron work (he's redecorating our bedroom - I've been telling him that he's like a much, much more masculine Christopher Lowell). I've got a list of things to get done before we leave that's a mile long, only I don't feel up to it.
When I was younger, and Byron traveled in evangelism, I literally could pack for a two-week trip (with three kids - and two of them home-schooled) in two hours.
Not these days. I guess I'm hoping for a second-wind (or, in this case, a first wind) so I can get everything done that has to be done.

Someone asked me recently why I blog. I guess it's a good question, although I've never really thought about why. There are many reasons: because I love to write, because it's therapeutic to express myself in a healthy way, because I feel some responsibility to others to let them into my journey, because, in some way, I feel like I was born to do this...

But, more importantly, there are a few reasons that are NOT "why" I blog:

*it's not to just journal (I could buy a notebook for that), although my own personal thoughts and feelings drive the subject matter, it's not just about a journal of my day.

*it's not to make other women feel intimidated or inadequate as I list my domestic or spiritual achievements (I am neither Martha Stewart nor Beth Moore - as you know if you read my blogs...ever!)

*it's not to "get back" at others who've hurt or offended me - in fact, this blog has really been a caveat for reflection and growth in my life in the area of forgiveness ("what I don't deal with, I become")

*it's not to point out my personal frustrations with any individual just to "get it off my chest", but rather I desire to use my observations to facilitate change

*it's not to complain or rant about other's shortcomings, but rather to address issues that I deal with - especially as it relates to being a woman - as these things come into my life, I process them, and look to Christ and His word for how to deal with them, then I can pass along what I'm learning in the struggle and journey

The reasons why I blog are evolving all the time - like, hopefully, I am (not in the Darwin-way, but in the Jesus-way).

I certainly hope my words have been a source of encouragement to you. Of course, how you "hear" what I say is also dependent upon your own state of mind and heart (if you read with an agenda...well, all flows through that filter). Please read through the filter of love and grace, for that truly is the spirit in which I try to write - even when I write challenging things (it always challenges me first).

I'm just one pilgrim on a journey, and if I can encourage you in the race, then I'll keep on blogging...and you keep on running. Don't give up, ever!

Hebrew 12(MSG):
1-3Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

It's all about the journey, because the journey IS the destination!

Peace.

The Other Three C's

Happy, happy Wednesday!

Today I got to hang-out with the other C3 pastor's wives. We're a small group now - so we're tight.

There are many things I've learned over the past year - some of them I hoped and expected to see, like the movement of God, the development of more diversity in the church, and God's complete faithfulness through the struggle (all of these have surpassed my expectations!)

One thing I didn't expect was the feeling (and, in some ways, reality) of "mass exodus" - so many losses, many of which I didn't see coming, and the grave disappointment which inevitably followed. I stopped telling myself, "I know them, they won't bail!" I definitely stopped saying "How much worse could it possibly get?"

Of course, the Enemy knows our fears, and each time someone would go, there would be the temptation to panic...to give in. But, the fear is always overcome by love. All of the strife and contention has led to something - many things - that are beautiful. It's all about the "other" 3 c's: change, which leads to conflict, which causes chaos - which facilitates growth!

The other thing that I didn't expect is the outcome of the loss - the gain. Gaining the knowledge of the blessing of true friendship, gaining the gift of understanding pain, gaining the freedom to be who God created me to be without reservation or condemnation. The safe place of real, solace-type friendship is rare - I have discovered - but it does exist, and I experienced it again in full measure today. And I am thankful.

I hope everyone feels the depths of true "shelter" friends at least once in their lives - we can all begin by being that for someone else. It's awesome - and, for me, it's so "C3".

Happy, happy Wednesday! Love someone today. Peace.

In Dreams

I've always had crazy, vivid dreams. They are so life-like that some days it takes me a long time to shake whatever emotions are generated as I sleep. I remember having a particularly bad dream in which Byron upset me (that NEVER happens in real life), and even though he had, in reality, done nothing to me, I was really mad at him and it took me about an hour before I wanted to speak to him - all because of a dream!

Dreams are funny like that. A lot of times they let me know what is really on my mind. I'll think I'm past a certain event, feeling or hurt - and then I'll have a dream that reminds me. Then I'll walk around thinking, "Why do I feel like this today - why do I have this knot in my stomach - oh yeah, I had this crazy dream..."

I guess, unless I've had spicy food late at night, it's just another way to process my emotions - to work things out without having to focus on it while I'm awake. It's my heart's way of saying, "maybe you need to work on this - forgive again, love more, be less offended..." When it comes to a hurt that can lead to bitterness, I've found that what I refuse to deal with I become.

So, I guess I've got some work to do - it's a constant process. What's the old saying, "Don't be bitter - Be better."? I've always hated cliches, but usually there's a lot of truth in them.

I'm starting a new work-out regimen today - so, while I work on my body, I can also renew my mind (I think there's a verse about that somewhere). And I can focus on real dreams - dreams of changing the world one heart at a time.

LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT - and the ultimate dream. Peace.

Pass it on!

We have been without a t.v. all week, but were able to hear of the passing of Ruth Graham. I knew her better when I was a child; she was "Aunt Ruth" to me then. My grandfather used to tell me that when I was very small she thought I was a funny child - with a big vocabulary. I think in some ways she understood me. Now as an adult, reading her poetry and musings about life in the ministry, I feel that I understand her. She always seemed to me to be very unique and poetic, she was definitely articulate yet simple in her priorities - Her faith, her family, and her husband seemed to be her life, and her thoughts around those basic priorities seemed endless and profound. Her absence will be felt in more ways than we can fathom, and I am so appreciative that we have her legacy and her words to draw from. I've learned, in part from her, that you can be a strong, supportive wife of a minister, and yet be a creative, oppinionated, passionate individual at the same time. Thank you for that, Aunt Ruth.

Love is the movement - pass it on! Peace.

Breaking Free

Happy Wednesday! Tonight's message was about forgiveness. Byron reminded us of how, in order to love, we must "not remember what God forgets." This subject has been on my mind and heart so much lately. I have two friends who have been abandoned by the one who was supposed to protect and cherish them - they don't deserve what's happening to them, but the best thing for them is also the hardest: forgiveness. I find it hard to even fathom that they should be expected to do this. But, being in bondage because of hate toward someone else is not freedom, and it's not what God desires for us. But, it still makes me so angry to think about how much they are hurting, and I wish my anger could make their pain go away, but that's not the way it works. Only true love can heal - Agape.

Tonight, I was reminded that we were not meant to HAVE to forgive. We were created for the Garden where we would fellowship with God and each other in perfect harmony - until sin entered the picture. So, now, until heaven, we can't physically experience "the Garden", but emotionally and spiritually we experience it EVERY TIME WE FORGIVE. So, it's natural that I would struggle with this unnatural thing. But, tonight it struck me that it may not just be the injustice of my friends' wounds that are causing me so much trouble - maybe it's more about my own wounds.

I don't want to admit that I've struggled to forgive real or perceived offenses in my own life - that doesn't sound very spiritual. But, to say I've struggled with this lately, would be an understatement. I've felt abandoned and betrayed - and this by people who once called themselves my friends. So, maybe my issues with my above-mentioned friends' REAL abandonment and betrayal, are also about my own feelings of loss. So, maybe I need to "practice what I preach" and lay it down.

So, I choose to forgive: the lies, the slander, the dirty looks at the grocery store, the glares at my children's school, the phone campaigns, the lawyers, the "inviting" others to your "new church" right in front of me, the sabotage of our ministries - especially children's ministries, the soccer field huddles, the lack of loyalty, the playing the victim, the alienation of anyone who defends us, the tears of my children, the attacks against my husband, the mistreatment of our staff, my feelings that "NO ONE STAYS" when the road gets rocky, and I'm left on a cold mountain with no visible shelter (previous blog "Friends").

So, I choose to forgive, so that I, my family and my true friends can be free. And because these offenses don't begin to touch how Jesus was treated.

I once had a dream. In it I was being beaten - by someone I had loved and trusted. I was on the ground bloody and broken when someone appeared before me. It was Jesus, and he looked like I did: bloody and broken. And through swollen eyes, He looked at me, and I was filled with peace as I realized the "point": When I am abused and betrayed and broken, and yet choose to love, I LOOK LIKE HIM. So, that's my desire: that my wounds cause me to resemble Jesus. And that through forgiveness, they become something beautiful - a beautiful brokenness that reflects a beautiful savior.

So, today I and, hopefully, my friends will walk in peace and freedom in our beautiful brokenness.

PEACE!

The Biggest Loser

I love the reality show "The Biggest Loser"; it has it all: drama, competition, relationship-issues, and ultimately life-change. I had the opportunity to catch a marathon of a past season, and I was absolutely hooked. It fascinated me to observe the difference between how the all-male team and the all-female team functioned. There's something about putting a group of women in an enclosed area for more than about fifteen minutes; somebody's goin' down. And while the men were having their share of competitiveness, - because, after all, it is a game - the women were... well, let's just say they lived up to the stereotype. The men were more using the strength-through-unity approach, while the women seemed so busy gossiping, and then being offended - back-stabbing, and then being shocked when there was no loyalty - undermining and criticizing, and then pouting over the lack of unity. It was fascinating - and sad.

One girl, in particular, seemed to (although she may have been grossly misrepresented thru editing) always be in the middle of the conflict. In fact, when she was overwhelmingly "voted off", even by the men, the reason was not: she's a threat in the game or she's not pulling her weight in the challenges - it was "she's an instigator, and we can't trust her." As I was thinking about the feelings she provoked in her teammates, I heard IT, and it all became so clear: She leads music in her church back home! SHOCKER!! And I thought, "of course, she's a church-girl, she's learned duplicity from the best."

This reminded me of an incident I heard of recently where a group of church-women (members, at the time, of my church - unfortunately) were in a huddle at a children's sport practice. They were "sharing concerns" in such an animated and obtrusive way that a non-church member had to rebuke them and ask them to stop. If this were an isolated incident - well, "as if !" We should be ashamed and convicted.

Women have been given a great gift from God: the gift of influence. We use it and often abuse it. I've seen it so many times, and have been guilty of it myself - the "holy huddles" of "concern" - the bible studies turned gossip-session - the phone calls and e-mails sharing "prayer requests" or the "I just thought you should know..." Let's just get real, we are given to gossip - we cut off our noses to spite our face. We give up the ultimate: life-change, for the temporal. We wallow in the muck, when we've been given a gift that can cause us to rise up and fascilitate change - LIFE-CHANGE!

If we choose to rebel and not get our...stuff together, everyone loses (and not in the good "biggest loser" kind of way). The list of casualties is never an acceptable loss when we engage in this behavior. We don't just hurt our "target" - we must ask ourselves who it is that we don't care about: our church, our community, our friends, our spouse, OUR CHILDREN - because they're all on the list of losers when we wag our tongues and destroy lives one "prayer request" at a time. We all lose, but the real biggest loser is the cause of Christ.

We have at our disposal the most powerful tool of influence that there is: love. We just, so often, pass it up for more alluring options that make us feel superior and those in our path feel devastated. How much could we change? - Jesus said the most important command is to "love God and love others", and that "they" will know us by our love - so, how we love others is a direct representation of how we love God. My prayer is that God has mercy on us for using our gifts for the Enemy - beginning with myself. Imagine what we could do if we chose to love first and foremost. For, after all, in the game of life -

LOVE WINS.

Letting Go

It's my boys' last day of school. This is especially significant because, after today, their school is closing for good. So, my heart is heavy and hurting for the teachers and families affected. I want to focus on my pain today, but time is short and ministry doesn't stop because I'm playing hurt.

People leave a church for reasons as various and as basic as why they came in the first place. I'm trying to learn the art of letting go. If someone wants to go, one reason is as good as the next, and not letting go soon enough can cause you to feel dragged down the highway, your chin hitting the pavement as you try to stop a speeding car by holding on to the bumper. I'm doing my best to learn this lesson - apparently I'm a slow learner because I seem to revisit this lesson over and over.

Traditionally speaking, success in the ministry is defined by not losing any good church member (or bad ones for that matter) unless they are dead (then you have to bury them on the property) or they move to Alaska (and then they must visit if they are within an 8 hour driving distance). Bottom line: A good church doesn't lose good people for no good reason! The only problem with all this is: IT'S A LIE.

But, redefining success - actually is just choosing to let go of my desire to know if I'm being "successful" in ministry or in life. My job is to just be obedient, and to let go of everything that gets in the way of that. That may sound cold or uncaring, but I don't let go because I don't care; I choose to let go because it hurts enough to really get in the way.

So, today when my boys get home from school, I'm sure I'll have a moment to feel my grief - the loss of children that I won't get to see grow up, the knowledge that those who leave won't get to see and feel what God's going to do. But I choose to lay it down and walk on. My heart is broken, but my spirit is free.

Friends

My parents just returned from Switzerland (after a mission trip to India). I've always wanted to go to Switzerland, and looking at their photos reminded me of why--the sheer beauty of the mountains, the land, the water... all of it. I was especially drawn to the snow covered mountains--the colder looking, the better. This is kind of ironic because anyone who knows me knows I'm a Florida girl thru-and-thru. If it's below 70 degrees, I'm pulling out the sweaters (byron doesn't mind this-he really likes me in sweaters). The truth is, in my imaginings of the swiss mountains there is always a quaint chalet nearby complete with a roaring fire, wool socks and hot chocolate (or Starbucks). I love my idea of snowcapped mountains because it's comfortable and safe. I can see the snow outside, even play in it if I want to. But when I get too cold I can run to my beautiful shelter.

Ministry is a lot like my dreams of Switzerland--breathtakingly beautiful from a distance or at least in a controlled environment (preferably a Swiss chalet), but when the freak blizzard crops up and there is no shelter (or starbucks!), it may not seem so beautiful. Any ideas I may have had about doing ministry in a controlled, safe environment have been shattered lately. This may sound horribly traumatic, and there's some of that, but mainly it's a blessing. Leadership can definitely seem like a cold mountain with no visible shelter, but it can also give you the gift of knowing who your true friends are. How many people really know who will weather the blizzards of life with them (not just the ones who will visit the chalet and drink your hot chocolate). How many people can name their true "shelter" friends. Byron and I can. God has allowed this blessing thru suffering.

Tonight I had band practice at the church. Of course, Byron went because he loves to be a part of the worship ministry even though he can't sing (although he says that when he's alone in the car he sounds just like the Big Daddy Weave guy!). So, I got to praise God surrounded by some of my best friends in the world (welcome back Amanda!)--People who I know will go through the fire with me (I know this because they have), and as we sang "Came to the Rescue" I was reminded again of my blessings, even in the blizzard, even when my dreams of a Swiss chalet seem so far away from reality. I was reminded that there are worse things in life than having a handful of "go to the wall" friends: having a zillion "friends" who disappear when the hot chocolate runs out. I am blessed in my sorrow and loss. And Sunday when we sing "Came to the Rescue", I'll smile to myself as I think: Byron and I may feel, at times, that we can count our true friends on one hand (couples counting as one, of course), but at least we can count them and count on them. To all of my true friends: Thanks for the shelter (and the starbucks!).